Monday, January 15, 2007

Let's Talk About Sex

Don't worry, everyone. I'm not going to talk about anything graphic. I just have some things I've been thinking about that I would like some opnions on because I'm curious about what others think.

How many of you watch "Desperate Housewives"? I don't think most of you do. I love the show. It cracks me up most of the time. Anyway, there is a little story line going on right now about the daughter of one of the "housewives". The daughter, Julie, has started dating the resident Bad Boy (I'll call him BB because I can't remember the character's actual name). Being teenagers, they are "in love" and making out a lot, and of course he is pressuring her to have sex. In the last episode, she was saying "No, I don't think I'm ready yet" and he was saying to her "That's fine, but you can't blame me for trying" and stuff like that.

Julie then goes to her friend (can't remember her name, either, so we'll call her Neighbor Girl, or NG) and is talking about this dilemna. Neighbor Girl says if you aren't ready, don't do it (and she says she should know because basically she is a slut and she knows that, too). Julie is a little worried about the pressure, and Neighbor Girl's brother walks in and interjects with the whole idea that if Bad Boy isn't getting sex from Julie, he's getting it from somewhere else. Julie insists that BB is a "gentleman", and NG insists that not all guys are that bad, but the brother insists that it's just the way guys are.

Julie worries some more and decides to have sex with Bad Boy. The end of the episode shows us that BB is indeed sleeping with someone else... you see him in bed with a girl (can't see her face yet) and he says, "I don't think we should be doing this anymore." Of course, who sits up? Neighbor Girl. She replies, "Just because Julie slept with you doesn't mean we can't keep having fun."

Yes, we all know NG is a slut. That isn't the point of all this.

In tonight's episode, there is a whole ordeal with Julie and Bad Boy about birth control and how they are "in love" and want to be responsible. Julie's mom (Susan) finds Julie's pack of birth control pills, freaks out, finds out that Bad Boy's aunt (Edie) is the one who helped Julie get them, and confronts Edie. As Susan and Edie are arguing and walk into Edie's house, who do they find going at it on the couch? Bad Boy and Neighbor Girl. At the end of the episode Susan breaks the news to Julie, who is of course heartbroken. It's her first love, you know. Who can blame her?

Anyway... this is what I'm wondering about:

Are guys (especially sexually active guys) really that shallow? Or is it just a few of them? I know that most of us are married to guys that were either not sexually active until we married them, or I don't think they were that kind of scum to sleep with two girls at the same time. But I wonder about a lot of these guys.

I wonder because I remember being in high school, dating a guy who did not share the same set of standards that I did. I really liked this guy a LOT (okay, I admit it... it was my first love, but I was 17. What did I know about love back then??). Yes, the guy was Jerk Faced Liar. Jerk Faced Liar had been sexually active before we dated, and I knew that. I made it clear that I was not willing to have sex until I married. In the time that we dated, the pressure to have sex grew and grew.

(Side note to Mom... if you are reading this, and I'm sure you are... I know that you know that pressure was there, so you don't have to talk about it, okay? I also know you were scared to death for what I may or may not have been doing because I remember the night I came in after a date and woke you up. I was sobbing and couldn't talk and you were trying to comfort me and saying things like "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay." and it dawned on me "Oh my gosh, my mom thinks I'm pregnant!" and when I told you why I was crying, I could see the complete relief on your face!!)

I sometimes wondered this when I was dating Jerk Faced Liar, but I was blinded by how much I cared for him and didn't think it would be possible. Every now and then the thought came into my head that after another date and another time of no sex, did he go to someone else after taking me home? Was he getting sex from someone else? It was never more than a fleeting thought at the time, and was NEVER anything to make me think I had to sleep with him to keep him, but the thought did cross my mind a few times.

In the years after we broke up, Jerk Faced Liar admitted lying to me about several things while we were dating... the two biggest things being that he never believed in my church and only joined to make me happy (you wouldn't believe the discussions we had about how important it was to both of us to not change religion for someone else, but for our individual self only) and that he had never actually quit smoking when we had this big bet going on about it and I "lost" the bet when he didn't smoke (turns out he smoked whenever I wasn't around and would try to cover it up... all our friends knew but me. Boy, do I still feel like such an idiot for trusting him!!).

After Jerk Faced Liar admitted these things to me, I started to wonder again whether or not he "cheated" while we were dating, but I never asked. I'm not in contact with him now, and I'm not about to get in contact with him (yes, I do know how to find him if I need to) just to have this question answered.

Do I really want to know the answer? If the answer is yes, he did cheat, then what does that accomplish? More hurt and pain for me. I would feel stupid all over again for trusting someone like that. I would hate myself all over again for even dating someone that I KNEW didn't share my beliefs and values, no matter how many interests we shared. If the answer is no, will that change my opinion on Jerk Faced Liar and how he treated me? Not hardly. He still lied about so many other things and treated me horribly after we broke up (he kissed a so-called friend the DAY AFTER we broke up! And we only broke up to make it "official" or something because I was leaving to go to college 2000 miles away 2 weeks later!! He was still kissing me! Anyway...)

I talked about it a little with Mr. Universe. I asked his opinion: Are guys really like that? He said he doesn't think so, but then again maybe there are a bunch out there that do think that way because the "world" says casual sex is okay. To us, sex is sacred and special, and I don't want to have sex with anyone else... ever. Just him. I don't want him to have sex with anyone else but me. I can't even THINK about if one of us has shared that experience with someone other than each other because it is such a special thing, and I don't like that so many people treat sex as such a casual thing. It should be special! Not just something fun to do. Not just something that feels good at the time. Casual sex just cheapens what I have with my husband.

My opinion, of course. (And it's what I tell my "girls" when they start talking about sex and want my opinion about stuff. Heh)

So basically, I want to know your opinion... other than those "straight-arrow" kind of guys (you know, the LDS returned missionaries and such, for the most part), are guys just really that needy for sex that they would jeopardize a great relationship with one girl that he shares interests and love but not sex just to satisfy his so-called needs with another girl (friend or otherwise)?

Like I said, it's not something that I HAVE to know about in my own past, but I am curious as to what is really out there. Am I in such a bubble or that naive to think that most guys really are going to be "gentlemen" and listen when their girlfriend says "No, I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship"???

15 comments:

Proud Mum said...

I don't know. I try to remind the girls in our ward that chastity and morality is upheld by more than just the people in the room during our discussion, that more people than they know are chosing to be chaste.

I was watching 24 last night -- I know it doesn't typically run against DH but maybe you should switch to a show with different moral dillemas (like what really is the price of freedom and how far is too far?) At least that way you don't have to think about painful things like JFL.

Aprilmommy said...

When DH started, I watched one episode with my hubby. After that, we decided that in our house we would boycot that show. Mostly because of all the adultry and casual sex that happens on it. Totally not worth swimming in the gutter for a few laughs... but thats my opinion anyway.

I know some boys in the secular world and they do sleep around. Think about it, all the raging hormones they have through their bodies and no moral compas to hold them back?

fourth_fret said...

i'm not sure any of us can have the true answer to this but here's a couple of my own thoughts.

1) DH is a hit because it exaggerates. I guess people really could have lives like that to some degree but i doubt it.

2) the thing about sex is (whether we want to admit it or not) teen bodies can do adult things. it's too bad the teen mind can't function as an adult mind when it comes to the teen body doing adult things. i'm just sayin'.

ima get a little blunt here:

3) as early as 7th grade i was pressured about having sex by a slightly older boyfriend. it didn't happen but it wasn't because i was caught up in morality. honestly, i didn't think of it as a morality issue but a love issue. (the teen body and mind/adult things scenario.) it didn't happen because i was scared of the physical discomfort of the first time.
~*~~*~*~~*~
in church one morning, our preacher dude said, "If the Lord had come to call you home last night, would you have been ashamed where he found you?"

my friend whispered, "I should be, but i'm not."

"why, where were you?" i asked.

"**** and i were making love."

no they weren't, they were having sex. but she thought it was love.

~*~~*~*~~*~

in 8th grade, two of my classmates were pregnant.

in 9th grade one more got pregnant.

in 10th grade three were pregnant, and one had an abortion that i know of. (my class barely had 100 people in it- so i'm talking the entire high school when i say classmates- of about 400 or so people altogether.)

my junior year, i was in a new school... much larger than i was before. there was a nursery for mothers with children so they could complete their high school education. i don't know the number of mothers.

my senior year, back at home where i grew up, two more friends were pregnant, and several girls who were not my friends were pregnant.

they didn't impregnate themselves. i'm just saying.

now, smalltown oklahoma is either the most hedonistic place in all of america, or it's on par with other places.

boys get erections. girls want love. it's a crazy combination, and a very real problem. i think it's awesome in your community it is not commonplace, but a little research will show an alarming number of kids are sexually active, and i seriously doubt it's because they are all ready to be. some are pressured. some are forced. some are longing for love. some are reckless.

but that's just my opinion. :D

Laural said...

I have to agree with Fourth Fret for the most part. Sex is such a casual thing, like eating candy, so why should it matter if you sleep around. You're satisfying your sweet tooth, right?!

I hate it! I won't DH for that very reason. So, I'm with Proud Mum on 24! Come save the world with Keifer! We love it!

Karen said...

I just read recently on PostSecret that a lot of LDS guys who go on missions are addicted to pornography (so much for your "straight arrows"). I can't speak to the truth of that, but I would imagine that the pornography business probably benefits greatly from the "gentlemen" out there -- of all persuasions.

Alyson said...

Lets not just blame guys there are girls out there just as addicted to sex and porn and yes there are LDS return missionaries.

I think that the only thing that you can do is be confident in the relationship that you are in now. People make mistakes and what happened in the past is in the past. Chances are if you had to do it all over again you probably would still date JFL because he helped make you what you are today. Raise your boys in correct priciples and let them govern themselves. That is the best anyone can hope for.

As for DH I've been known to dabble a bit but I haven't lately because its on too late and I'm old. As for 24 why do people think gratuitous sex is worse than gratuitous violence? Both are damaging. I used to watch 24 but lost interest mid season 2.

Feather Sky said...

We don't watch much TV. Most shows don't interest me at all (except 20/20 or Primetime news shows) I usually lack the time to watch much TV.

I agree with April, if you have boys and girls with no moral compass, I'm sure the problem is pretty rampant. Especially of the kids being born to mothers who are still in Jr and High school (perhaps even into college and beyond): Mothers who lack maturity and good judgement have a hard time passing those traits to their children. Then the cycle repeats.

fourth_fret said...

i hope it wasn't me who implied it was just guys. it takes two to tango. but it does seem the one who has the most noticeable urges, and the most frantic "do it" hormones would be prone to pushing for sex.

pushing alone can't make it happen though. at some point, the other party agrees to participate. [/shrug]

terrierchica said...

The name you couldn't remember for "BB" is Austin. I couldn't remember that other names, though.

1. Austin is hot. Come on, if she's gonna have sex anyway, at least it's with someone that looks like him.

2. I think the big deal was not the fact they started having sex but that they were trying to be safe about it.

3. Most kids have sex in high school. It's weird if you're in a typical college and a virgin...maybe freshman can get away with it, but not past that.

4. It was good of the show to illustrate how important it is to use protection, not only against pregnancy but STD's.

5. The brother's outlook is accurate. If the guy isn't getting sex from you, he'll get it from somewhere else. I shouldn't say the guy. Not ALL guys pressure girls to have sex. Some girls want to faster than the guys want to, and they'll get it from somewhere else, too.

6. It is not hard to get sex even if you're not getting it from your partner. No male between the ages of 16 and...I actually don't know when that stage would end, so lets just 30 'cause 30's kinda old (heh heh)...anyway, if a chick wants sex, and she's not wicked ugly, no guy will turn her down.

7. Fun stats for you! On average, a male has 12 sexual partners in his liftime. Females have 4. So, it's a smaller group of females that sleep with a bunch of guys, but still, most guys have a lot of sex with a lot of different girls. Although, there's many guys I know that have a count higher than 12, and a lot of girls I know that think 4 is appallingly low. So, those stats should probably be revised for the younger generation.

8. Sex isn't a big deal for most people. It's like doing anything else, just more fun.

9. Hence the importance of the plot line in desperate housewives. If you want to have casual sex, whatever, I don't care. But, a lot of people are not safe when they have it (a girl I know just told me about a nasty case of gonorrhea she had last year...ewwww...). So with popular shows emphasizing the importance of condoms and birth control, I think eventually it may help the younger crowd be more safe.

terrierchica said...

Oh, and 24 was amazing. Sunday night, the Patriots game was running late, so one of my friends paused his tv for 24 and we watched the Pats win! (yay, Tom Brady!) Then we watched 24, then the next day DH online. I swear I don't normally watch much tv...

Sariah said...

Okay, first off... thanks everyone for your comments. I really do enjoy reading them and there were a lot of valid points out there.

Now... the point of this post was NOT about Desperate Housewives or whether or not I want to know if Jerk Faced Liar cheated on me. Those stories were just background to illustrate where I'm coming from. I guess I just say too much and make it all confusing.

I know there are lots of guys out there who will have sex with whomever and whenever, and there are lots of girls, too. I know that there are lots of teenagers having sex.

My whole point was to ask if, in your opinion, are most guys as shallow as some and will have sex with someone else if they aren't getting it from their girlfriend. That's all. Sorry if I confused people.

aprilmommy said...

Sariah, I don't know about the rest of the world, but I for one am now thankful (after reading Terrier's comment), that I went to a prodominantly LDS high school. I never had that much pressure to have sex. I am now worried about my girls. Homeschool anyone?

terrierchica said...

You can't hide your kids forever. I was homeschooled and dated older, non-mormon guys. Sariah's high school guy wasn't mormon. Chances are, if they go to college, it won't be a mormon school (unless you're big on only byu, I don't know, just statistically speaking). I think that it's better to let the kid see the world for how it really is anyway, so they aren't completely shocked when they move out.

p.s. read my blog! :)

aprilmommy said...

Ok so now I have to make my kids be homeschooled and only date boys in our ward :-)

Only kidding, I don't have what it takes to home school. And as for mormon boys? They can totally be just as bad as the rest.

Allrie said...

Sariah--I swear I was not thinking you were pg--had sex, maybe...but was relieved at the actual cause of the tears. I remember that night well. I think that there is much more casual sex today than in my generation because a] it is more accepted and b] marriage tends to come at older ages. At the end of the summer after my Sr year over half the class was engaged, many married and some married before school was out. Not because they "had to" but because they wanted to get on with life. Boys were going to Vietnam, and many married before leaving [just like any other war in history]. Others, in our largely agricultural community were just going to build a house on the "South Forty" anyway, so once the house was ready--why not get married?
Of course there were unwed mothers, but they were few and far between.
The saying was "Every 18 year old boy wants to get married." but for many it was the sex they wanted--but more people were raised with a stronger moral compass than today's world, and marriage was the way to do it.

Today? All we can do is raise our children with a strong moral compass, and hope and pray that they will stay true to what they've been taught.
Did JFL cheat on you? Probably, given his other lies. After all as an actor, he WAS pretty good. Are all guys like that? No. It depends on their own morals. Some guys will be faithful in a given relationship. Others won't. Some will wait to pressure a girl because of age, others won't. But what guys WILL do is LIE. They lie to each other about what they have done with different girls. So there is no way to know for sure. Guys will lie on the reports these statistics come from. They will lie to make themselves sound "better" It just depends on what he thinks "better" might be at the moment. And yes, I have proof. Sory, girls, but "guys don't begin to grow up until they're at least 35." according to a slew of marriage counselors. So maybe we should just look at the World with terrier and hope they do the best according to the knowledge they have and that our kids will stay pure, and find those who have also stayed or become that way through repentance.
Sorry for the book!