PPD

As many of you know, I have post-partum depression (PPD). I gave birth to Dallin on May 2nd, and while I'm completely in love with this child and so happy to have him, it really felt like the rest of my world was crashing down on top of me. At first I attributed it to "baby blues", as I've heard that everyone gets that. As the days wore on I became one angry mama. I felt like I was yelling at Ches for things that didn't matter, but for some reason would set me off anyway. I felt horrible as I found myself yelling at Aiden for things that were completely out of his control (he is only 2, after all!). I talked to some friends a little bit, and one repeatedly told me that I would snap out of this, it was just a phase from having a second child, etc.

Things got worse. My family came to visit when Dallin was a month old (we did his baby blessing then), and all I could do was yell at my mother for wanting to hold her grandson, or throw a fit because I couldn't find a specific recieving blanket. I kind of joked about how I felt, but it wasn't a joke. I said that I knew something was wrong, but I didn't have visions of killing my kids, so I couldn't be that bad. I only had visions of killing myself.

Bad joke.

Everytime I had one of these horrible yelling fits, it was like having an out of body experience. Really. I would scream and yell at my husband, but part of me seemed to seperate and watch myself do this. That seperate part would say "What are you doing? Why are you yelling so much? It's such a trivial thing! This is ridiculous, and you look like a lunatic."

Luckily, my husband loves me very much and encouraged me to talk to my doctor rather than kick me out of the house. I did so, and he immediately put me on anti-depressents and referred me to a counsellor. It didn't take all that long at all before we all noticed a difference. I feel so much more laid back. The little things don't bother me anymore. I don't feel like committing suicide. I don't feel like I don't deserve my children or my spouse. I have the energy to want to do more than sleep or sit on the couch, staring at the wall. Through counselling, I'm learning a lot about myself: why I react to certain things in certain ways. What kind of expectations I have of myself. What expectations are good to have and what are just plain unrealistic for anyone but Superwoman (who doesn't exist). How to react to my children, my spouse, my parents, and loved ones in a way that we all benefit.

I say all this because on the yahoo! group I'm in, there has been a bit of discussion lately on depression. I also just read an interview with Brooke Shields in Redbook magazine last night, and a lot of it focused on her PPD as well as her reactions to Tom Cruise's claims that women don't need meds or counselling but should exercise to get better. Brooke (don't you love how I refer to her as if she's my friend??) made a couple of really good rebuttals: "Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decided what treatment options are best for them." "Tom Cruise did not have a uterus last time I checked." My feelings exactly, Brooke!

In the interview Brooke talks about her own struggles and what she did (and now I really want to read her book), and she states "It's a woman's choice to take the help that's available to her -- not to suffer just because you think you should or because you think it's your fault." I love that.

I think because I am going through this myself that I have taken this debate quite personally. I just want to say that depression of any form is an illness, and it may require some actual treatment: medications, therapy, whatever. This is not something to think it will "just go away". This is not something to feel guilty about. I sure did for a while. I felt like I had something to prove and I had to be the best mom and the best wife and that didn't include all these weird feelings.

Most of all, I just want to say that if you are suffering in some way, listen to that little voice inside that is saying "something is wrong here" and talk to a professional. I also want to tell you that if you think your spouse or sister or friend (just someone you love) seems to be acting differently, take it seriously. I got to one point where I said "You know, I think I'm better, so I'm not going to talk to my doctor. It's no big deal." Ches looked at me and said "No, you're still not you. I'm still walking on eggshells most of the time. It is a big deal. I think you should still talk to the doctor and see what he says." Thank you, Ches, for telling me that, because the difference of me now from me then is night and day. We are all happier here at home. The people who just gloss over unpleasantness aren't doing anyone any good. I think they just don't want to have to deal with it themselves.

PPD is a very serious illness. It varies from woman to woman on when it hits, when it stops, and just how bad it actually gets. Every woman has it a little bit differently. If all women with PPD were properly diagnosed and treated and got all the support they needed, think how much better off we would all be, as well as how many happier families we would have. You've heard the saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." It's sure true in my house. My depression affects not just me, but my spouse and my children. I'm so thankful for a doctor who asked "How are you doing with everything?" and opened the door for me to talk to him. I'm so thankful for friends who just come over to talk, then take my kids so I can have an hour to myself. I'm so thankful for a husband who never made me feel guilty for being depressed and not taking care of my responsibilities.

I am fighting this illness, and I am getting better.