I Love To Laugh!

I'm a musician, as I believe you all know. For those of you who do not consider yourselves musicians, there is something you must learn. Musicians have an entire genre of jokes. I mean, we've all heard blonde jokes and lawyer jokes, but I don't think anything compares to a good musician joke. We make fun of ourselves first and foremost, and we make fun of each other. They are all pretty mean jokes, but that's what makes them so funny!

Music teachers are really good joke tellers. And they make some great puns (you know, the real groaners). I used to swear that they must have a class in college that they learn how to tell jokes and puns. I never found that class in any of the catalogues I got, so maybe I missed out. I don't know. For those of you that went to Ricks, don't you think Bro. Jones was the best at it? I sure didn't like him as a teacher (he and I didn't get along well, so it was a personal thing. Ches loved him, though), but I always got a good laugh in his class.

My personal favorites are the lightbulb jokes. It seems like a lot of them are similar, or have similar punchlines to other groups of people, but that's okay. I'd like to share a few of my favorite musical jokes. Some everyone will get, some only some of you will get, and some you may be offended (if you are, sorry. Get over it. You're a musician, and if you can't laugh at yourself, then you're in a really bad position! Everyone else likes to laugh at us!)

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
I, V, I, V . . .

How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Charlie Parker would do it.

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
16: one to handle the bulb and 15 to say "I could do it better".

How many altos (singers) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high.

How many tenors (singers) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one: he simply holds it up and the world revolves around him.

How many jazz musicians does it take to scew in a light bulb? One to do it, three to get their names on the guest list, and five to ask how he got the gig.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.

What do you call one pretty good violinist, one bad violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates violinists together in the same room?
A string quartet.

What's the difference between the first stand of violas and the third stand of violas? About a measure and a half.

A trombone player and a conductor are crossing the street. You are driving and cannot avoid them both. Which do you hit?
The trombone player: business before pleasure.

What's the range of a tuba? About 20 feet, if you have a good arm.

If you drop a viola and a tuba from the top floor of a tall building, which one hits the ground first?
Who cares??

How do you know if there's a lead singer at your door?
You don't: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How do you get a musician off your doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza.

How do you tell if there's a dummer standing outside your door?
When he knicks, he speeds up.

And, of course, the world's oldest music joke:

"Hey mister, how can I get to Carnegie Hall?"
"Practice."

"Music is the most disagreeable and the most widely beloved of all noises."
--Theophile Gautier, "Le Figaro", 20 October 1863