I Am an Idiot

Friendships can be fragile things, you know? It's so exciting to get new friends and in many ways it's like being a little kid. You're so into the fun you're having and you don't really worry about much. You just go for it and see what happens.

When you're me, you get really self-involved and you don't think straight. Going for the moment, for the laugh. I have said things in haste, and had a really good friend quit talking to me for over a year and a half once. She got pregnant and had a baby in that time. The entire time I felt like such a tool, and there was this big hole in my heart I'm so glad that we are friends again and we got past that, but I will always wonder if what I said has stayed with her and there is a part of her still hurting because of what I said.

One time I had a friend call me when I was a senior in high school. This phone call came out of nowhere, it seemed. She said, "Sariah, I feel really close to you, but last year you made a comment that really hurt my feelings, and I think we need to talk about this if we can move on in our friendship." The strange thing was, I really had no recollection of the comment and it didn't exactly sound like something I thought I would say. However, it had been said, and so we talked about it, worked things out, and moved on. We were great friends, and this didn't hang over our heads at all.

Remember how I once said "I say stupid things to famous people"? Well, it's not just famous people. It's everyone. Open mouth, insert foot. Constantly.

I also do dumb things all the time that end up hurting people. I really don't mean to hurt them, but I do. When it comes down to it, I really am a selfish, mean-spirited person. I don't know where it came from because my mother did not raise me to be that way.

I am trying to work on being a nicer person... a more kind person... a more thoughtful person. Sometimes I need a kick in the head just to remind myself, and you, my friends, are the ones to do it. Kick me in the head. Scold me for not being the Sariah that I think I am, that I want to be. Please.

It's been one of those days.